When I was a littler boy, I was told of the wonders of puberty. I looked forward to the days where I'd become tall, dark, and handsome, ripped with muscle and endowed with a deep, baritone voice that would cause all the ladies to swoon. Oh, how I was lied to.
Muscle didn't happen. I didn't wake up one day with six-pack abs and 30 inch biceps on each side. My chest does not at all resemble that of Fabio or Arnold Schwarzenegger. I'm stuck with my meager muscular frame having difficulty bench pressing 40 pounds.
But that's okay, I thought. I'll surely wake up one day with a rich, velvety voice to win over the hearts and minds of all who meet me. That didn't happen either. I'm still called Miss by people on the phone, and often by people when I'm standing right in front of them. My high-pitched, squeaky voice still haunts my dreams and people often have to stifle their laughter while listening to me.
So I gave up developing any wonderful X-men like abilities or even awesome human abilities. But my genetic entrapment would not let me off that easy. I discovered the wonders of hair. I was forewarned that hair would develop where it hadn't before, but my teachers clearly didn't warn me it would be this bad. There's hair in unimaginable and unmentionable places I never knew existed. The number of extra crevices I discovered because of black shoots of fur sprouting out from within them are endless.
But I tried to look at the bright side to this. I would be able to grow a poofy big mane; I would be a lion and roar with my high voice. But of course, with a wonderful twist to my accursed genes I cannot grow hair on my face.
Not properly, anyways. It grows sideways, up, down, and everywhere where in patches so that it never looks normal. Everything else has worked out so horribly I hoped that I wouldn't have to bother with shaving except for perhaps once a month but this clearly cannot happen. Nor can I grow a big, bushy beard to store food and money in, but must be mocked with erratic hairs undulating upon my face. I am sorely irritated at shaving this off every few days and having it stubbornly come back. There needs to be some sort of regulation or fashion-related embrace of awkward hair growing on men's faces.
It's time for revolution.