Why I hate science, and why you should too

Science. That very word sends anger running down my spine. That anger turns into a big fireball and lights my brain on fire. My brain bleeds out my nose, and as it lands on the carpet everything that makes contact with it turns to stone.

Did that make any sense? Probably not. I was being scientific. Science is a recent invention by heretics to explain the world around us. These people think that they can just make up a method to explain the universe. They think that they just take a new system and implement it. They brainwashed the existing people into believing what they did, and if they were too strong, they would just torture them and force it upon them. Those cruel and inconsiderate scientists.

Science thinks that it can magically solve problems. What has science done to make your life better? Nothing at all. All the problems that exist today are science's fault. The atom bomb. Science. The handgun. Science. Concealable Explosives? Science yet again. Religion did not bring any of those abhorrable objects into our lives to ruin them. Religion cares for us. It didn't bring anything bad into our lives.

But science couldn't stand that. It was jealous that religion was getting all the attention and went out of its way to attack it. In fact, it still does. It claims that religion is ruining your lives just so it can get your undivided attention, that publicity whore.

It just wants your money. Always asking for donations for "cancer research" and children's hospitals. Tell me, if all that money really went to cancer research, why is there no cure? Religion uses money to help people and make their lives better. Science just cheats them out of it.

Scientists also love birth control. With a staggering population deficit, it is vital that we produce more children. Religious leaders have realized that and favor sex and reproduction, while scientists shun something so pure and natural and do everything they can to reduce the population. They advocate birth control, and they try and make people as ugly as possible so they aren't even attracted to each other anymore.

All scientists keep cooped up in labs and become pale, sickly, feeble, and malnourished, just to die an early death. All scientists encourage animal abuse and murder of all organisms, and polluting the environment. Science has no sense of morality, and it's a good thing that it hasn't taken over or we all would be crazed communist cannibals.

Another thing, science is racist. How many minorities do you see winning prizes and making advances as compared to white people? Science just wants slaves to do work and entertain the white masses. Religion cares for people of all races and would never encroach on somebody's rights.

If science would have had it's way, then blacks would all be slaves and their white masters would be enjoying lemonade in lab coats. How deplorable. It's a good thing that religion has set a high precedent or else we would all be in deep trouble. The only minorities that win prizes are Jews, making science a big Jewish conspiracy anyways.

Science is ruining all of our lives and we don't even realize it. We are so used to it being forced down our throats that we don't realize the pain and suffering it is causing us. Many people get offended when science is attacked and say that science is a way of life that is generally good and it doesn't hurt anybody, so we shouldn't remove it from our lives.

Prostitutes don't hurt me either, but they're removed from my life. Where's the fairness in that? Science is destructive and all the different branches will end up wiping everybody out. Gradualism vs. Punctuated Equilibrium? Which side are you on? It is that kind of rigid and hidebound thinking that ruins people. The world cannot be explained through absolutes, but science doesn't understand that.

Science is a failing system and we cannot use it any longer. There are countless times where science has been wrong, but what do they do? They just go ahead and 'revise' or 'change' it. Those tricksters! They just pretend that science is morphological so that they can continue to entrap us in it's lies. We must all break free of it's deceptions and throw off the scientists oppressors to make the world a better place.

DISCLAIMER: THIS ARTICLE IS A SATIRE, AND DUE TO IT'S CONTROVERSIAL AND OFFENSIVE NATURE IT SHOULD NOT BE READ BY ANYONE